Hardorn Trail: Elspeth
by Lia Ex Machina
Summary: You thought you knew what happened in Hardorn? Think again...Elspeth ponders on life, love, and Firesong's ineptitude.


Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, places, events, or anything else, for that matter, belonging to Mercedes Lackey, as, obviously, Misty owns them.   
Author's Note: WFury takes place in 1397 AF, as close as I can reckon it. I can't remember the month and really, I don't care. Thanks to the wonderful Emma, AKA etcetera-cat, for beta-reading this.   
  
May 1, 1397  
We started down the trail with:   
4 oxen  
8 sets of clothing  
60 bullets  
2 wagon wheels  
2 wagon axles  
2 wagon tongues  
1000 pounds of food  
Kerowyn, why did you DO THIS TO ME?  
  
May 3, 1397  
  
Raining. Darkwind is sulking and I don't know where Nyara and Skif are.  
  
Do I really *want* to?  
  
May 4, 1397  
Skif has a broken arm. Nyara is sulking now. What did I do to deserve this?  
  
Gwena says that Cymry won't stop pacing.   
  
Companions.  
  
May 5, 1397  
We decided to rest for 2 days. Actually, Cymry blackmailed Gwena, then Gwena blackmailed me. Am I in *charge* or something?  
  
May 9, 1397  
  
Nyara now hates me. Is it *my* fault Skif can't ride with one hand?   
  
Well, he can, Cymry can't.  
Once again: Companions.  
  
May 10, 1397  
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Firesong claims his hat makes him unable to do weather magic.  
  
And I'm a flying pig.  
  
May 12, 1397  
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Firesong's wild claims apparently have some credit to them.  
  
May 14, 1397  
Raining. Put on Firesong's hat and found self unable to do weather magic. Took anti-interference spell off hat.  
  
Stupid paranoid Hawkbrothers.  
  
May 15, 1397  
We took the wrong trail and lost 2 days. Took anti-looking-over-shoulder spell off Firesong's map.  
  
Also took anti-theft spell off Darkwind's spoon collection. Astera help me, I'm married to a man who collects spoons.  
  
Nyara stole Darkwind's spoons. Let Darkwind put the spell back on them.  
  
May 17, 1397  
Skif got sick and died. Nyara is useless. Cymry is looking green.  
  
Can't say I minded.  
  
May 19, 1397  
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing. Nyara is mumbling about Falconsbane. And suicide.  
  
Must get Firesong to put anti-suicide spell on her.  
  
On other hand, will do it myself.  
  
May 25, 1397  
The ferry got our party and wagon safely across. Cheating ferryman made us wait six days. Nyara has thirteen anti-suicide spells on her.  
  
Broken wagon tongue.  
We didn't try to fix the wagon tongue, but we replaced it from supplies. Darkwind looked at it and asked Firesong if he put an anti-breakage spell on it.  
  
He looks guilty.  
  
May 27, 1397  
We shot 1472 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Stupid weak Tayledras. Could have done it if Nyara had done catgirl levitation dance, but she says she's too depressed. Told her Skif was a jerk who had come on to me.  
  
Looked like she wanted to dig up Skif's grave and tell him about my libel. But she came on to Darkwind, anyway. And why can't she use contractions?  
  
May 31, 1397  
We lost 15 pounds of food due to spoilage. Found definite traces of Firesong-magic on them. Glared at him.  
  
June 1, 1397  
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. Removed Firesong's anti-drowning spells on Nyara and put some more of mine on.  
  
Darkwind is wearing Firesong's hat. Told him it clashed with Vree. Vree and Darkwind glared at me.  
  
Called him Darkie.  
  
Glared at me even more.  
  
Used "love-struck wench" line.  
  
It worked.  
  
The river is too deep to ford. We lost 2 oxen. Told Gwena she has to pull the wagon.   
  
Swore at me.  
  
Darkwind claims "love-struck wench" line is bad luck.   
  
Agree with him.  
  
June 4, 1397  
We shot 198 pounds of meat.  
We lost the trail for 2 days.  
We lost 29 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
All of them Firesong's fault, though Nyara was doing catgirl dance next to meat.  
June 5, 1397  
We lost 25 pounds of food due to spoilage. Have tied Nyara up in back of wagon. Firesong demonstrated scarily good knowledge of how to restrain Changechildren.  
  
June 7, 1397  
We shot 348 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Have made Darkwind do arm exercises by threatening with L-SW line.  
  
We lost 40 pounds of food due to spoilage. This time it might actually be natural.  
  
June 8, 1397  
Nyara was lost for 1 day. HOW did she get out? F. has demonstrated scary knowledge again, this time of how to find Changechildren.  
  
June 11, 1397  
We shot 407 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Darkwind carried a good bit of it. Blackmailed Firesong with his comment on Darkwind being hot to do arm exercises.  
  
Have put anti-no-doing-excerises spell on him.  
  
June 13, 1397  
We lost 50 pounds of food due to spoilage. Firesong carried it out himself. Gave him a biscuit. Glared at me.  
  
June 14, 1397  
Have re-named Firesong "Mr. Firey the Tayledras Dingo Dog". Darkwind finds this very amusing. They're yelling at each other in Kaled'a'in.  
  
In other exciting developments in the life of Elspeth k'Sheyna k'Valdemar, we have oxen. Gwena is very, very glad. Cymry is moaning even more and claims Grove-Borns are insensitive.  
  
Must agree.  
  
June 16, 1397  
  
Cymry is happy. Have dropped the "i" in Darkie. Darkwind likes "Darke" much more. Have warned him to never call me Elsie.   
  
Asked Cymry about her new state. She gave answer that one of oxen is Companion in disguise- and it's Skif!  
  
Told Nyara. She went out and talked to him. Talked to him myself. Is Skif, but obsessed with tulips. He's Chosen a tulip.  
  
Astera help me.  
  
June 20, 1397  
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Nyara was doing what she claims is the Catgirl Happy Dance.  
  
Met Skif II's Chosen. Is talking tulip. Cut it and charmed it to not die.  
  
Realized how weird last sentence was.  
  
June 22, 1397  
Nyara has a broken arm. Skif II is complaining.  
  
Am pregnant. Got Firesong to cast sudden aging spell on self while had very, very good shield on, then reversed the traces on me.  
  
Am due in four days. Told Darkwind and Nyara. Darkwind asked if it was his. Rolled eyes. D. got overly upset. Told him yes, it was his.  
  
Nyara suggested I name it Skif. Said it might be a girl. She just looked at me.  
  
Gwena suggested Kerowyn. Said would get mixed up with Kero I. Just said "Wyn".  
  
Companions.  
  
June 25, 1397  
We shot 76 pounds of meat. Well, Darkwind did. F. carried it back. He said I should give it a Tayledras name.  
  
It's Talia. If it's a boy, will give it a Tayledras name. Or Darkwind will.  
  
He wants "Lightwater". Fine, I'm giving it to a Hardonen anyway.  
  
June 26, 1397  
No grass for the oxen. Skif II, Gwena, and Cymry claim they can live on air.  
  
May be pregnant-woman hormones, but believe them. But it is 2 AM.  
  
LATER: Talia II born. OW OW OW OW OW I HATE YOU DARKWIND!  
  
Evil males went out and shot things in celebration.  
  
We shot 260 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Evil wimp Tayledras.  
  
June 29, 1397  
We found some wild fruit.  
An ox is sick.  
We decided to rest for 2 days.  
Firesong has a fever.  
Elspeth: 1, Firesong: 0. Ate fruit. Yum. We have ONE real ox. And it's sick. Gave Talia II to nice Hardornen people. They'll give her to next Herald they see.  
  
Hope it's not me.  
  
July 2, 1397  
We decided to rest for 2 days.  
  
July 5, 1397  
We decided to rest for 6 days.  
A fire in our wagon destroyed:  
8 bullets  
476 pounds of food  
Suspect Nyara set it with Catgirl Fire Dance.  
  
July 8, 1397  
We traded 1 dollar for 4 bullets. Evil pyro soldier claims is cutting own throat.  
  
July 10, 1397  
Firesong is well again. The hat, however, is not. It's now fuchsia. MY EYES!  
  
July 12, 1397  
Firesong has a fever. AGAIN!   
  
July 13, 1397  
We decided to rest for 6 days. Darkwind says I'm being unreasonable. I'm not. Firesong is funding this.  
  
July 18, 1397  
We found some wild fruit. Ate it. Nyara rebelled, but we tied her up. Darkwind is safely free of scary knowledge.  
  
July 21, 1397  
Told Darkwind not to waste magic, so he didn't kill anything.  
  
Stupid Tayledras.  
  
We lost the trail for 1 day.  
  
July 22, 1397  
Firesong is well again.  
Nyara is well again.  
They better *stay* that way.  
  
July 23, 1397  
No grass for the oxen. Real!Ox Bob is ugly. Really ugly. Pointed this out to Firesong. He looked annoyed.  
  
July 25, 1397  
No grass for the oxen. R!O Bob is even uglier. Skif II has been turned human. Mr. Firey, Darkwind, and I are locked out of the "wagon", which is more like a house on wheels. Darkwind and I are debating name suggestions. How hard is it to see the difference between resin powder and the Healers' powder? Why would we have resin anyway?  
  
The minds of Hawk*brothers* work in mysterious ways.  
  
July 26, 1397  
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Nyara and Skif have come out of the wagon. Firesong leered at them. Gave him Leer of the Year poetry/leering award. Aya is sitting on top of the wagon. Firesong was looking for him, as he hadn't been seen in two months. Asked if he put an anti-fire spell on Aya. He said yes.  
  
Tayledras.  
  
July 29, 1397  
No water. Mr. Firey claims resin powder is good for cleaning.  
  
No, it stains everything.  
  
He said "You mean that's a *bad* thing?"  
  
July 31, 1397  
Bad water.  
Darkwind has a broken arm.  
We decided to rest for 6 days. More like Darkwind blackmailed me. Gwena is no help. Cymry is off in Companion-land trying to choose Skif II, the human-shaped Companion. Good luck.  
  
August 8, 1397  
Darkwind died of cholera. WAAAAAAAH! BUT...HE'S BACK! According to him, there have to be three good reasons to get back. He said  
  
a) The Shadow-Lover looked too much like Kethra and Selenay  
b) He'll get the Companions to blackmail the Star-Eyed  
c) He has to kill Falconsbane  
  
Those aren't good reasons, but then he said that he threatened to spread the "love-struck wench" line all over Velgarth.   
  
Astera agreed really fast.  
  
Used the L-SW line again. Nyara and Skif II are missing.  
  
August 10, 1397  
Bad water.  
No grass for the oxen.  
Realized today that I'm technically stuck with *Firesong* and *Nyara* as the only people here. They are the LAST two I want to be here with.  
  
August 12, 1397  
Gwena is annoying me. Having Firesong as the sole technically living male has its perks. Skif would be hitting on me if he was always human.  
  
Nyara was bitten by a snake. Poetic justice.  
We decided to rest for 6 days. Nyara+Companion!Skif II+Gwena+blackmail= rest.  
  
August 15, 1397  
Nyara died of typhoid. Skif II is annoyed. Used his Companion clout with Astera to get her resurrected. She's in Dawnfire's body.  
  
I forgot Darkwind said Dawnfire was hot. Can almost forgive him for hitting on her when he saw her.  
  
He's now sitting in the smallest room writing a thesis on the fact he's married to me.  
  
August 20, 1397  
No water.  
  
August 21, 1397  
We decided to rest for 2 days. Why is this so SLOW?  
  
August 29, 1397  
We found some wild fruit. I ate it. Firesong is doing something involving yarn.  
  
August 30, 1397  
We lost 1 pound of food due to spoilage. Nyara started a catgirl dance...  
  
September 2, 1397  
We shot 429 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Wimpy Firesong. Logically, since Nyara is no longer a catgirl, she can't use catgirl dances.  
  
Can she?  
  
No grass for the oxen. Bob is *really* ugly.  
  
September 4, 1397  
We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage. Nyara *can* still do catgirl dances.   
  
September 5, 1397  
No water.  
  
September 6, 1397  
Bad water.  
We lost 15 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
September 7, 1397  
Let D. out. Read thesis. Darkwind can't spell in Valdemaran.  
  
We lost 13 pounds of food due to spoilage.Nyara claims she's psychic and foresaw this.  
  
Former catgirls.  
  
September 10, 1397  
Bad water.  
We lost 10 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
We NEED to KILL THINGS!  
  
September 11, 1397  
Nyara is pregnant. Glared at Darkwind until she said it was Skif's.  
  
No grass for the oxen. Bob has been renamed Ugly Bill.  
  
Firesong has cholera.  
  
September 12, 1397  
No water.  
We decided to rest for 8 days.  
  
September 14, 1397  
We need bullets.   
  
September 20, 1397  
We found some wild fruit. Disgusting stuff. Gave it to invalid!Firesong.  
  
September 21, 1397  
We decided to rest for 6 days.  
  
September 22, 1397  
Firesong is well again.  
The man *was* on Disease Number Three.  
  
September 27, 1397  
We traded 1 pound of food for 2 bullets. Mr. Firey, let's go KILL THINGS! Nyara claims it's a Companion. Did super-pregnancy spell combo on her. She was right.  
  
September 28, 1397  
We shot 396 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Wimp Firesong. Told Skif II that he should name his kid. He said it's Laundry.   
  
What kind of a name is that?  
  
September 30, 1397  
Firesong has dysentery.  
WHAT IS WITH THIS MAN?  
  
October 1, 1397  
We decided to rest for 6 days. Skif apparently has fond memories of laundry. Turned Laundry into a human and gave her to some Hardornens. Skif was upset.  
  
I can't imagine why.  
  
October 10, 1397  
We found an abandoned wagon containing:  
1 wagon wheel  
1 wagon axle  
Bad water.  
Apparently Nyara has started a dance troupe.   
  
October 11, 1397  
Firesong is well again.  
Bad water.  
We lost 12 pounds of food due to spoilage.It's about TIME! Freak Kaled'a'in person came and talked to Firesong. He's still there. They're BOTH in the wagon.  
  
Darkwind and I are the only non-users of Chez Wagon.  
  
October 13, 1397  
Bad water.  
NYARA! NO, YOU MAY NOT HOLD A DANCE EXHIBITION!  
  
Firesong has dysentery.  
  
October 14, 1397  
No grass for the oxen.  
We decided to rest for 6 days.  
  
October 15, 1397  
Firesong died of dysentery.  
YES!  
  
October 17, 1397  
Firesong is back. Freak Kaled'a'in did a spirit-type thing and got him back.  
  
As a Companion.   
  
ASTERA HELP ME!  
  
October 23, 1397  
Bad water.  
  
October 24, 1397  
No grass for the oxen. Bill is uglier than ever.  
  
October 25, 1397  
I have the measles. Firesong is out of the wagon. Kaled'a'in Dude is gone. Chez Wagon, here I come.  
  
Astera, that was stupid.  
  
October 26, 1397  
I decided to rest for 7 days. Nyara is mocking me.  
  
October 29, 1397  
Firesong, AKA Super Disease Mage, is mocking me too. Chez Wagon is, for once, unoccupied. Asked Nyara how Skif II was and she nearly wet herself.  
  
Must surprise Nyara more often.  
  
November 3, 1397  
I am well again. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAH! I'M BACK!  
  
Am going into Chez Wagon. Mr. Firey, Nyara, and Skif II (currently a Companion) can be locked out for once.  
  
November 6, 1397  
I have reached Fort Kearney. In the wagon for THREE DAYS! Nyara, your record is BROKEN!  
  
Got some powder from the Kaled'a'in. No Talia III.  
  
I visited the store and bought 80 bullets. Chez Wagon needs new decor.  
  
I traded 2 sets of clothing for 1 ox. Ugly Bill needs company.   
  
Firesong put an anti-theft spell on the bullets. Took it off and put one on. Have learned Firesong's anti-anything spells are doomed.  
  
November 7, 1397  
I lost the trail for 5 days. Van's ghost is here. With Stef. And a banjo.  
  
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?  
  
November 13, 1397  
Bad water. Van and Stef in Chez Wagon. Will never be able to listen to banjo music again.  
  
November 15, 1397  
I shot 302 pounds of meat but was able to carry back only 100 pounds of meat by myself.   
  
Van and Stef have moved into Chez Wagon. Asked them politely to leave. V. grinned and started playing banjo.  
  
AGAIN.  
  
An ox wandered off for 2 days.  
  
Astera help me.  
  
Savil and Yfandes are with them.  
  
November 18, 1397  
Dust storm. Lost 1 day. Told 'Fandes that they have to pay rent. Y. claimed that she's Cymry's great-great-grandmother's cousin twice removed and has a right to the space.   
  
Said that, fine, I could put up a ghost Companion, but Van, Stef, and their banjo are not parts of her.  
  
THEY ARE.  
  
November 20, 1397  
Dust storm. Lost 1 day. Savil claims she's not Sayvil.   
  
And I'm not Herald-Mage Elspeth k'Sheyna k'Valdemar.  
  
November 21, 1397  
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.  
  
Van and Stef have left Chez Wagon. Thankfully, Herman the Banjo has not.  
  
Van and Savil (now insisting we all call her "S") are having a name-off in the next room.  
  
Has it occurred to anyone that we've been on the road six months and are only a quarter of the way to Crown City? At this rate it'll take two years.  
  
November 23, 1397  
Bad water. Savil with PMS. Which is worse?  
  
November 25, 1397  
No grass for the oxen. Have awarded Bill the Supreme Ugliness Award. The Companions and quasi-Companions are complaining.  
  
November 26, 1397  
No grass for the oxen.  
  
Astera help me.  
  
Kethry and Tarma, Kero's grandmother and her she'enedra, are here.  
  
Am I the only sane one left?  
  
December 2, 1397  
I have dysentery.  
  
Keth is singing.  
  
Which is worse?  
  
December 3, 1397  
Dust storm. Lost 1 day.  
I decided to rest for 7 days.  
  
Tarma started "Hardorn Challenge", in which Kethry sings old ballads and Van plays the banjo. Poor carnival-going souls have to guess what they are.  
  
For some reason, they like it.   
  
December 6, 1397  
I shot 182 pounds of meat but was able to carry back only 100 pounds of meat by myself.  
  
Stupid weak arms. My tally of the population of Chez Wagon:  
  
Ghosts: five (Tarma, Keth, Van, Stef, Savil)  
Companions, alive and ghost: three and a half (Gwena, Yfandes, Cymry, plus   
Firesong is half)  
Humans of some bizarre type:  
-Hastily reincarnated- three and a half (Skif, Darkwind, Nyara, plus   
Firesong is half)  
-Actual humans- one (me)  
Annoying musical instruments- one (Herman the Banjo)  
  
There are thirteen people traveling in a wagon meant for four.  
  
What did I do to deserve this? 


End file.
